Monday, September 29, 2003

Day 15

I love my mother but some of her comments really hurt. I know my mom and dad split on somewhat bad terms over 20 years ago. But she does not have to constantly remind me it or tell more faults. I love my dad andI have my own issues with him. What happened between them was a long time ago. In ways it has made me a stronger person. My dad has not always been there. And if he was there our time is cut short because he has to run off to do something with her faimly. One of the things that I continuely hear through my mind is from my graduation when Carolyn made the comment that they missed her nephews graduation to attend mine. Well he is my father if you wanted to go to your nephews ceremony you should have gone to and missed mine but my father better have attended it. That really hurt. You married and got me as an added bonus. I hurt when you could not have me at Jeff's funeral, because you could not handle me due to my age. Did you know it took me over 10 years to really accept his death. You did not care about my feelings until I lost a friend the same way. You did not realize that those statements really hurt. When you come down to visit. What about visiting me for once. The little comment about we will visit you more when you are married and have kids. Why can't you visit me now???? When I come up there to visit I spend 90% of my time there with Carolyn. I would be happy relaxing on the couch watching a football game or home improvement show. I do not need to shop every second that the stores are open. You made shopping with you guys a bad though in my heart. I wanted to buy an outfit when I was visiting, I was only a dollar or 2 short and you would not help me. I would have paid you back, I had the money at home, I would have given it to you. I promise.  See little things like that hurt and weigh on someone for life.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

Day 14

Man.. Is there any way to understand them? You do your hair, put make up on  and dress nicely and they do not notice. They send out mixed signals just to play with your head. Hello, Kick your friend that you see everyday and flirt with the nice looking lady. But no.. you fall slept in the chair. This flirting crap is so frustrating. Oh well... Back to the wonerful world of work in a few hours..

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Day 13..

Did not get to write yesterday.. Not much happened. Talked with my dad. trying to figuire out when I am going to get up there to see them. That is another journalentry for another day.

As for today, I had an interesting day. I got to meet Fran from Trading Spaces. He was at the Orlando home show. I had my picture with him and revieved an autographed photo. He is the nicest person. His must be a fun guy to work with. The home show was neat but the bonus was meeting him. Can't wait to get the pictures developed and put in my scrapbook. It is best to arrive early. When we left at 2pm the cars were backed uo to 528. Then we went for lunch and came home. It was a good day.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Day 11

Well not to much to talk about. I have been working all day one paperwork and catching up.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Day 10

Well I sit here wondering if the power will stay on. Th power has been going on and off all evening. lets see if it makes it through.

Work: It is starting again. My coworkers are starting to assume that since i do not have kids or school to go to I can cover for them. Why is it my responsablity??? Debbie always has to have the last word. I was in the middle of an exam, I am not going to leave the doctor to go exit out of my computer. Call someone who is still signed in and ask them to exit, if I am not at my desk I can not exit. Get someone to help out. And How are people suppose to get things completed when they never get time to work on it??? I am beginning to think i need to leave this job to get the weight off. Not everyone is supportive. Like my horoscope said "Outsiders don't get it. You can't do it for them"

Chocolate Update: It is out of the desk drawer. No I did not eat it. I gave it away to a set of parents that made a special trip to show us their sweet little doll. It was worth it she was a very alert little lady for 5 days old.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Day 9

Well today started off like a normal. After lunch the staff from the business office came over because they started smelling something in there office. They thought that it was a gas leak. So they called the fire department. Well that office do not have city gas to it so common sense would say that it is not a natural gas leak. Well it is a Methane gas back up. This only means that the poop they have been dishing out is coming back to get them or in simple terms, they are full of Sh*t. The fumes were coming from the restroom that was totally destroyed and is sitting empty. It is probably not capped off like it should be, done half of the proper way required for safety reasons. The second interesting thing: A police drug stop in our parking lot. Yes, 4 undercover patrol cars pull over a car in our parking lot and arrest a lady for possession of cocaine. So the afternoon turned into an adventure. Me, I just behaved myself and tried to keep out of trouble. I did as I was told or asked by my superiors. I stayed out of the way of upset Doctors. I put the patients in the rooms and put labs in the computer. But I just remembered that I did not run the Quest manifest. Nothing I can do from here. And again why is it My responsablity to do it. Everyone left early and did not run it. I ran Labcorp when he came in. See I am not worrying about it. Oops..Life goes on.

Monday, September 22, 2003

Day 8

Not much happened today. We were busy at work, to busy to sit down and think. spent most of the time answering the OB phone calls. I am truly amazed that Tina can get anything done. Between Answering the calls, Calling patients with results and 4 new OB's a wonder she takes some many anti-depressants a day. Some of these patients worry me about how they will be as parents.

Hershey Bar Update: Still in my desk drawer.

Sunday, September 21, 2003


Well the weekend is over already. Time to start another rough week at work. Did not do much but take care of a sick puppy. Poor little IV Grace was sick all night and most of the morning.Did a little bit of cleaning on the Jet Ski and finished up laundry. I mostly relaxed and cuddled my sick little baby.

Saturday, September 20, 2003

IM entry Day 6

Today I do not have much to write about.. It is was a very low key day. Spent the day washing laundry and relaxing.

Day 5 Late entry

9/19/03: Went to work today as usual. It was like any day. They brought the staff from our Palm Bay office to the Melbourne office. Of course not long after I arrived I heard what I hate to hear, " I don't know how to do that" " I can't do that" and "after yesterday I not working with her". Life is a bear, you have to put it behind you, today is a new day. She is going to have to lose that attitude before she is moved up to Melbourne. I am so glad it is the weekend. Time to unload and relax. Then after work I went to Victoria's Secret to be properly fitted for a Bra.  Properly fitting bras can get expensive. Then I went out jet skiing with Richie and his friend Neal for a few hours. They wore that poor jet ski out. I was so tired afterwards u ended up crashing before writing, so i must catch up today. I will write my entry for today a little later.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Day 4

Today I suprised myself. I stood up for myself. I stood my supervisor that I was tired of doing almost all of the procedures. I told her that I would be going on vacation one day and would not be there to do it for them and what would they do then? I thold her that they needed to learn to do it on there own. I know it pissed her off but it is part of the reason I keep gaining weight. I do so much to satisfy everyone else and it eats at me because I always get walked all over and then I eat to make myself fell better. And if I am going to lose weight I have to stand up for myself. I am very proud of myself. This is a I needed to do to control my eating habits and why I eat. I have notice that since I have changed my attitude I have started eating less and not craving all the chocolate or pasta.  I will lose this weight and I will stop letting myself be walked on.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Day 3

This is kinda hard to write after you do the inital unloading of feelings. My current frustrations is with my baby IV Grace. At night she does a lot of crying and whinning. She whines from the time she finishes her dinner until she falls asleep or she gets what she wants. I have tried to break her of the habit by not giving is but mom turns around and gives in to her cries. We love on her, we cuddle her, we play with her, we kiss on her. But all she seems to want is food, a bone or a chewy. Then mom wonders why her weight continues to climb higher. I walk her so that we both can lose weight and mom just continues to stuff bones in her face. I try to tell mom that they do not need a bone every time we walk in the down. All I hear is that they beat on me until they get one. She does not realized that she is rewarding them for beating on her. You should hold off on the bone until they have calmed down then reward them for sitting and being calm. Then i hear that they don't know any better. No mom they are smart enohg to have trained you to get them a bone as soon as you enter the house. They have you wrapped around their little paw.

Work: I am not sure that work will ever change under it's current management. I want people properly trained but if you do not have enough people to cover the staff on hand and a full patient load it is not a good mixture. The new member of the staff is thrown in to working mode. It is just not a great mixture. And like I said before, the person who should be training should know how to work things completely. Management should be something that is in the middle of the hussle-n-bussle for the office to see how the employees are doing. They should not be off site and out of touch. The current managmemnt just disappears at times, she never answers her pages. The employees should not have to play find the boss. The manager should also not ignore an employee because they have discovered a problem that needs to be fixed. That does not make the problem disappear, it usually leads to a larger more expensive problem. Why are some people lacking common sense?

oops.. wrote a little too much

Bright points of the day: I did not over eat. I did not eat the Hershey bar that is in my desk. I did not eat any other junk food. I did not eat any of the cookies brought into the office. I have not used food to cushion my recent feelings i have used this Journal instead. You burn more calories typing then shoveling food into your mouth. I have tickets for see Phantom of the Opera in January. I wish it could only be sooner. It has a little too long since I last saw this work of art. They are awesome seat too. :-)~

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Day 2

I am so glad that this day is over. It was a very long and frustrating one. I sometimes feel that some people look at the world as a some place they just work. They just do what they can to get through the day and don't do anything until they are forced to. And then there are others that work until they are to the point of falling over from exhaustion. The people who do not know the most are always the one who are teaching the new employees how to do things. They seem to take credit for things others have done even though they have not help out with the project at all. When they are given a project to do they seem to delegate it off onto someone else even though that persons work load is currently over what they can complete in a reasonable amount of time. I have also noticed that if you whine enough you will get your way no matter how little they pull their weight. Some individuals do not realize that for a business to work smoothly everyone needs to work as a team. People can't seem to understand that people don't like to you out when you never help you coworkers out when they are away from work.


Diet wise: I reduced amount of food. I took a Hershey bar that was given to me and put it in my desk drawer. When I was frustrated today with my coworkers I did not run and gobble it down. It is not what will fix my frustration. It is still there unopened. I ate a low calorie meal with watermelon. I did not walk today due to the fact that it started raining not long after getting home.

Monday, September 15, 2003

Day 1

My Height: 5'4" Weight: 195 (dressed in scrubs)

Well, this is the beginning. I am not going to be hard on myself anymore. I am going to be successful at losing 50 pounds by this time next year I will be healthier. My cholesterol will be in a healthy range.  I will be a happier person. I will not allow myself to be walked on by others. I would like to stop being so scared of change. I will stand up for myself more. I will finally decide what I want to do as a career. I hope that is not too much to expect to change but I have to do this for myself.

I have finally awaken to the fact that no one is going to help me but me. I have been walked on for to many years and it is now time for people to do things I want. I want to be treated with respect. I do not want to be the girl is always chosen last, the perfect friend and the go to person. It is time people start to learn to do things on there own. I will not be a work everyday to do it for them. I am adopting the "see one, do one and teach one" Philosophy. I am tired of hearing I that I will be a great mother someday or that some guy will be lucky to have someone like you as a wife. I want to be that person but this change will help me be this person. I have got to learn what I have been doing so wrong to cause them not choose me before. The first thing is it is thier loss. And to my past boyfriends, If I was not the person you wanted to marry before please don't wander back saying "I miss you" and all that bull now that you are married. You married her not me and now you have to live with your decision. Please do not come running back to me. I am tired of living in the past. I am moving on. You guys have played with my heart enough that I don't need it emotionally or physcially. You guys have caused most of my weight problem. I have turned to eating to comfort the hurt in my heart. I am not going to allow myself to hurt like that anymore. Someday you guys will truly realize what a great person you lost. This is the beginning of a change for the better.